How to Not

Hello! It occurred to me that since I can now write just about whatever I want, and since I feel like writing something but I don't feel like sticking to some How To topic, what you get instead is pretty much the opposite, born of the cumulation of many, many cat-related things floating around my mind. Basically...

Cats as Excuses for Things

There's a common theme in a lot of my writing, which seems to be...not exactly How (Not) To, but more like, How To NOT, because the whole point is literally to get out of the act of DOING anything. I am an incredibly lazy person, and figuring out how to NOT do anything you don't want to do, ever, is sort of one of my main hobbies (for example, I've recently perfected the art of having sex without actually moving, for when you're really tired, or, let's be honest, really drunk). I've probably spent more time figuring out how to cheat the system than it would have taken to legitimately succeed in it, but hey, here's some tips so maybe my kids will read this one day and their lives will be easier.

...aaand there's reason #593 why I should never, ever be allowed to have children. Moving on!

Excuses for being late to class

Which I nearly always am.

Ladies and gentlemen, being that we are no longer in high school - a terrible place where if you don't show up enough, they CALL YOUR PARENTS - and education is, for all intents and purposes, a service industry, this is perhaps not as relevant as it once was. But still, professors don't like it when you're late, and why should they? While you can go to the obvious medical excuses for actually missing an entire class - diarrhea, pink eye: the more embarrassing, the less it gets questioned - what is the best way to excuse yourself when you're just a few minutes late?

In high school, much like the cat above, I used to be so afraid of the uncomfortable late walk of shame that if I didn't scoot into my seat before the bell rang, I just said, "Well...fuck it!" and went out for a snack off-campus. You will probably not be shocked to learn that this did not result in my doing very well in AP Calculus. You will probably be slightly more shocked to learn that I rectified what my absences had done to my grade by "tutoring lower math students after school," by which I mean, I learned to forge all the librarians' signatures and pretended to have tutored kids. Do you see the pattern yet?

It's easy to get caught up in the web of lies that is my life, but where were we? Ah yes, the very best excuse for being late. I had a friend who worked as the first period attendance room TA in high school, and since her job was signing late slips, she heard literally every excuse - valid or ridiculous - in the book. The very best one, as told to me by her: "I'm late because my cat didn't want me to leave."

BAM. Who among us can't relate? Surely we all know the innocent, sad stare of pet that senses its imminent abandonment; surely we can understand the heartbreak that comes with tearing oneself away.  Best excuse ever.

And if your professor doesn't buy it, then you look them in the eye, and say, "You, sir, are a heartless monster." I don't care if it's a lady-professor, call her "Sir" to rub the point home.

Excuses for Police Officers

Well this is a toughie because in my experience...no excuse has ever worked. Then again, I have a notoriously iffy track record with law enforcement, which I do not recommend emulating. One time I got pulled over for speeding...literally right around the corner from my house. When the cop read my address off my license, he looked at the street signs on the corner, then said, "You almost made it..." Dick.

As for being drunk and disorderly and all that comes with it: especially in Bellingham, where the police force doesn't have shit else to do (I mean they do, but Meridian is still crawling with crack heads so clearly they'd rather dole out MIPS - more lucrative and all, HAVE I MENTIONED I HATE COPS), you're almost better off not trying to excuse yourself. If only stupidity and/or just being incredibly pathetic worked...I would be off the hook every time. But my various run-ins with the BPD are a story for another time, and perhaps not for the Internet (o hai future employers, did I mention this is completely fictitious?).

I do have one gem, though, and yes, it's cat-related. The only time I can really say I got caught breaking the law and got off without punishment was a few years ago, when I was pulled over for driving in the carpool lane...apparently alone. When confronted by Officer Whoever-the-fuck, I pointed to the Pet Taxi in the backseat and said, "I'm not alone...I have my cat. I like to think of him as a person. An equal." (All this said completely deadpan.)

Now, to be clear: this didn't work because the cop agreed that pets totally count. I'm pretty sure it worked because he thought I was fucking crazy. My car was littered with McDonald's, mud-caked high heels, half-finished needlepoint (just kidding, maybe) and all other manner of detritus associated with the criminally sad.

But the point is, it worked.

Excuses for parents

Did you go over budget this week? Cat litter is really expensive. Did someone knock over a bag of chips, or a vase of flowers, or just about anything? The cat did it! Are you exhausted and hungover? Mr. Kitty kept me up all night meowing!

And finally, WHO puked on the carpet? Duh. The cat. Cats are awesome excuses for literally everything.