How (Not) to Behave at Bars and Parties

DISCLAIMER: We have now officially crossed into the realm of things I am absolutely, definitively, beyond the shadow of a doubt, NOT qualified to give advice on. Therefore, this is almost entirely sarcastic, and should be taken with a tequila-shot-sized lump of salt. That said, let’s dive in!

If you, like me, are a college student, then going out with your friends is likely to include parties, and later, bars. If you, like me, are also incapable of having a normal, fun night – the kind that doesn't involve hiding in bushes or crying in the McDonald's bathroom (although they were pretty understanding) – then read on.

Here are some of the elements of the "going out" experience that have given me trouble before, and the time-tested tricks I've developed to deal with them appropriately, and, it almost goes without saying, with the utmost maturity.

Big Parties: I’m loosely defining a large party as anything more than two dozen people. When you find yourself surrounded by the unfamiliar, I recommend sequestering yourself in the corner with your friends and talking amongst yourselves. If they are charging for keg cups, sacrifice elect your most attractive friend and send them to steal some. Try to form your cluster in an inconvenient place, like the hallway outside the only working bathroom, so that every passerby is forced to engage with you. Comment loudly on the music (unless it is “Party Rock Anthem,” which of course is what you wanted), and the personal appearance of every other attendee. Leave when the beer is gone.

And if anyone tries too hard to talk to you, just give ‘em the ooole hawkeye.

Small Parties, or “Gatherings”: “Gathering” is a euphemism for “We are having a party, but we don’t know how many people will actually come because no one responds to facebook invitations these days, so we are telling everyone it’s like, kinda small so their hopes aren’t too high.” This is my favorite kind of party, because it is the least stressful environment for making new friends. There are lots of ways to bond with strangers, but here are some real easy ones: dubstep, IPAs, and weed. Seriously. If you’re at a loss for what to say, just tell a story about smoking weed and trust me, they have one to top yours and they are just itching for a good listener. That could be you.

Nah, bro, you listen to ME – this shit was straight FIRE.

Very Small Parties, or “Drinking with Cat”: Hey. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. Cats are the very best drinking buddies. Cats will never, ever tell you that you’ve “had just about enough” or complain that you “threw up in their sink.”

Bars: Congratulations, you’re 21! Now you can go to the bars and spend five times as much money doing the exact same thing you'd be doing at home!

There are many kinds of bars, ranging from the awesome, (Dive Bars: cheap, quiet and largely populated by gritty older men), to the terrible (Beer Bars: That's an oxymoron, right? I hate that this is a thing, but unfortunately, my guy friends feel differently, which is why you can usually find me at the Up & Up, moodily eating pizza and not drinking beer). But the most problematic type of bar is...

Popular normal bars: You know, with music and lots of people and stuff. These will be loud and crowded and so, as with large parties, I recommend that you try your very hardest to pretend you aren’t in public by choosing a spot with your friends and sticking to it. Other pro tips: When fighting your way through a crowd, there’s no shame in telling people your little brother is lost. If you’re sick of waiting for a drink and you want to catch a wayward bartender’s attention, wave your arms like you’re stranded on a fucking desert island and when they rush over, concerned, say calmly, “Hi. Vodka redbull, and make it a quadruple.” They’ll love that.

And the most important rule: When in doubt, always order shots. Bitches love shots.

Well…most bitches love shots. I can ruin the fun in just about anything.

A few more problem areas you may encounter while out on the town...

When guys try to buy you drinks: You should always say yes! Is he ugly? So what! Do you have a boyfriend? Shut the fuck up! They’ll totally understand. At the end of the night, when you calmly explain that you have zero interest in sleeping with this person, they’ll probably take it really well, placidly sign for their $84 tab, and send you on your way with a handshake and a “Keep your chin up, kiddo!” You meet such nice people at bars. On an even rapier note…

Frat Parties: Unfortunately, I now live in Bellingham, where there is no appropriate place for every variety of douche to gather in peace (except maybe The Royal). But back when I lived in Seattle, the number one most fun place to hang out and really connect with people was probably UW’s Greek Row. I used to love going there with my friends.

Here’s a picture of me at a frat party. Incidentally, I am wearing a men’s Ed Hardy shirt. It was a dark time for me. Somewhere behind me, there is a stripper pole.

Dancing: Sometimes, boys try to get me to dance with them. I try to warn them what a bad idea this is. They think I’m being modest, or coquettish, attempting to demur with a bat of an eyelash when in fact, I’m trying to save them from a world of pain. Have you ever seen an owl being electrocuted? Mmmm. Take a minute to let that mental image really sink in.

Pool: Another thing that I am so terrible at, trusting young men need to see it to believe it. More than a few have tried to "teach me," efforts that usually end in bouts of tears (them) and cursing (me).

The guy in blue? He’s about thirty seconds away from hitting me over the head with a pool cue, ‘cause I’m about to knock the white ball into one of the little holes. 

Wait, that’s bad, right?

Beer Pong: Oh, you want to hear MORE things I suck at? Ta-daaa!

DERP.

Karaoke: Finally! Something I’m good at! I am a truly talented singer. My favorite songs to perform at bars are “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Bohemian Rhapsody.” I've found that people really respond to this.

And most important of all, Picking up members of the opposite sex: OK, I understand the whole "Girls Night Out" thing or whatever - wait, no, actually, I don't. Every time me and my "girls" try to have such a night, my friends always end up going to hang out with their boyfriends and I end up with...something, usually.

But I understand the sentiment behind it: my girlfriends are my absolute favorite people to get drunk with, and sometimes you just can't take another night of shots on the couch while watching the Shrek marathon (even though Shrek is awesome). Sometimes, you really only want to hang out with each other, but you feel obligated to do it in a public place so you don't look like a "bunch of freaks who will live together forever and one day be eaten by [their] cats" (that's almost a direct quote). 

So yeah, sometimes it really is about being with your friends. But most of the time, especially when you're single, the people you're really hoping to meet at bars are attractive members of the opposite sex. I don't have a lot to say about this, as my number one most successful technique has been owning boobs. This has worked 100% of the time. Can't argue with those numbers, can you?

I have, however, had a number of really breathtaking pick-up lines used on me. The ones that discriminate against features I can't help, like my offensively ginger hair, are my very favorite. For example, a guy once said, "Soo, since you don't have a soul...you should come home with me." Couldn't argue with that logic, could I?

If you really need to impress a guy, bust this track out and do your worst. 

This works about 75% of the time.

In conclusion: Bars and parties are stressful places, riddled with potential pitfalls and sweaty dudes in plaid flannel. But if you're 18-24, you better suck it up and go to a few, or else your friends will start saying cruel things about you, like, I don't know, "She never wants to come out anymore" and "Her cat probably WOULD eat her." So go in with a game plan and the expectation that the cost of a good time is usually high. I mean, I guess that depends: can you put a price on dignity?

No, you can't. That's why you get this picture for free.

You're welcome.