How (Not) to Avoid an Ex

An anonymous comment on my last post read as follows: 

“just ran into an somewhat recent ex-fuuunbuddy at the grocery store...with his new girlfriend. while i was buying tampons and a giant box of valentine's day chocolates...for myself. i think this would make in an excellent blog post: how to avoid these situations and what to do once you are in them.”

Let me start by saying that there is one really good thing about having an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or ex-whatever the fuck else: no matter what state your love life is in currently, you have solid proof that at some point in time, at least one person wanted to sleep with you. Congratulations! I recommend using this to your advantage in conversation whenever possible, to remind those around you just how sexually viable you are. Begin sentences with things like, “Well when I was dating (insert name)...” and always end them with “…but I wanted to wait till our wedding night.” In between, there should be only wistful sighs and pointed suggestions.

Since this person isn’t around to argue their case, you are legally entitled to say whatever you want about them. Fellow blogger Ashley mentioned the tendency to vilify the ex as "crazy" after the fact; this is an unfortunate, unnecessary trend. All you have to do is imply that they existed, and that you ended it, and BOOM. Mysterious past, bitches!

So skip the shit-talking (it won't impress any new targets of your affection) and while you’re at it, skip euphemisms like “fuuunbuddy” – an ex is an ex is an ex, and for all we know, s/he could’ve been head over heels for you while you engaged in a lengthy, Nicolas Sparks-worthy romance, instead of just someone you had some fuuun with for a few months. And yeah, Anonymous, we all know what you two were doing together.

...Knitting circle, amirite?

Back to the point: you have an ex. In a perfect world, you would never have to see them again; but we all know that’s not the case, and the people you want to see the least have an unfortunate tendency to pop up the most, usually when you’re at your worst: maybe…eating McDonald’s alone in your car in the parking lot? Renting “Cats and Dogs 3: Revenge of Kitty Galore” at the local movie store? Still wearing their old sweatshirt, perhaps? Those are just a few examples, none of which have ever happened to me personally.

The hope is that you will run into an ex when you look like a million bucks, are engaged in a totally normal activity, and are accompanied by a group of friends or – best case scenario – a new boy or girlfriend.

Here’s what that would look like:

That scarf says "true love." Too bad it doesn't also say "heterosexual."

Here’s what will actually happen:

You know what? It’s his loss. And he is not getting that sweatshirt back.

If you have the time and energy to consistently look anything like the smiling 80’s couple above, then hats off. If you don’t, just accept Raymond’s Law of Uncomfortable Run-Ins: Anything that can be awkward, totally will. Here’s what to do.

Step One: Plan ahead 

If they’re your ex, you probably know where they live and hang out and stuff, and so there are some obvious places you could avoid, like the tree outside their window. Pretty much everywhere else is a No Man’s Land. You can’t avoid everywhere just because of them, nor should you. You have just as much of a right to that McDonald’s as they do, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise (…Brian). You’re probably going to see them eventually, so the only time I would advocate active avoidance is during especially embarrassing outings.

For example, I once walked almost a mile around an entire mall just to avoid the Abercrombie where an ex-boyfriend worked. Why? Because I happened to be wearing a wolf hat. And why the wolf hat? It’s not important. Far more troubling: why did I date someone who worked at Abercrombie? I don’t know, the heady scent of 2005 has a strange effect on me, like roofies.

In conclusion: you don’t have to go out of your way to avoid them, but if, like me, you’re beginning to develop a sixth sense for terrible coincidences, then try to steer clear of their go-to spots when you’re in a particularly compromising state.

And, all right, full disclosure: I was wearing the wolf hat to see "Twilight: New Moon" in theaters.

I'm not proud of myself, but this is why. 

Step Two: Don’t make eye contact 

If you see them from a distance, or from behind, turn and walk away, or pretend to be really busy. There’s no shame in barking at your friends, “PRETEND TO BE LAUGHING! NOW!” (and when you're wearing a wolf hat, chances are, they're already laughing). Once you know what section of the area your ex is in, you can purposefully not look that way, leaving initial contact up to them. There’s no reason why you can’t be the epitome of maturity and nonchalance by specifically avoiding being polite first!

Step Three: If eye contact has been made 

Aw, shit. They already saw you. Well, it’s no use pretending not to recognize them: then not only are you wearing a wolf hat, you also look petty and immature in your wolf hat (which, in the right context, is of course the height of sophistication). So smile, say hi, be friendly. Even if your life is awesome, any attempt to make this clear to your ex will just sound like meaningless posturing. Complaining is also out of the question. The best thing to do is be vague. Here are some phrases that have worked wonders for me: “Oh, I’ve been keeping busy,” “That was actually a pocket dial,” and “My therapist said you would say that…”

At the end of the day, if they’re out of your life, they’re out of your life, and no chance run-in is going to significantly change their opinion of you. If they’re still in your life, and you're hoping to one day be friends, then try to be good-natured about seeing them. And if you absolutely have to invent a fake boy or girlfriend, don’t make them from somewhere decidedly foreign. Go for somewhere close enough to be real, but that no one would ever want to investigate. Like Canada.

 Yeah. Canada.