How (Not) to Have Girls Night Out

So it's one of THOSE nights. Girls Night.

Maybe one of your girls just got dumped. Maybe she just got promoted. Maybe you're all back in town again for the first time in a while. Maybe you just don't know of anything else going on, so the classiest way to say, "We only hang out with each other!!!" is to say, "You know what we need, ladies?" Say it with me: "GIRLS NIGHT!!!"

(By the way, my friends and I never, EVER refer to ourselves/each other as "ladies." We believe in honesty. So when I use that most annoying of words, "ladies," I am making fun of other girls exactly like myself EXCEPT NOT BECAUSE ME AND MY FRIENDS ARE BETTER THAN THEM.)

For whatever reason, it's been declared a Girls Night Out. First of all, you need to know who you're dealing with. Categorized as best I know how, here are a few of the girls that SHOULD be in every friend group.

The Angry Drunk

Sweet sorority girl/former cheerleader by day...dangerous assailant by night! Don't let those shimmering golden locks deceive you. This girl will punch a 300 pound man in the face without blinking one perfectly-mascara'd eye. She's 5'9" and her boyfriend is even taller, she hates being hit on, and if you dare to offer to buy her a drink, one look from this girl will make you wish had never been born. She's the perfect girl to have your back when you're out, but don't ever get into a drunk argument with her or she will annihilate you, then laugh about it over chocolate chip pancakes the next morning.

The Crazy Drunk

...who is going to kill me for choosing a photo with duckface. Sorry, Kat.

You know this girl. Or maybe you don't. Well, this girl eats frat boys for breakfast. She can out-drink, out-last, and out-party every single person you know. She has no bedtime, because evil never sleeps. She doesn't consider it a "bender" until it's been more than two weeks. Anyone who doesn't finish their fifth by the end of the night is never again welcome in her presence. They have to physically drag her away from keg stands, because if left unchecked, she might drink the whole thing. If there's a bar in town you're no longer welcome in, you can thank her. She is feared and admired. She even has a facebook group dedicated to her drinking.

The Socially Awkward Drunk

This is the girl that all your guy friends think is pretty hot, but when they ask you if they have a shot with her, you always say, "...noooo." When they ask why, you can't explain. Her sexuality is ambiguous, her motives unclear. She only drinks wine, and never from glasses. If she knows a picture is about to be taken, she makes the weirdest face possible to alarm the photographer. Her favorite bar is a dive bar, and her favorite kind of man is an old, crazy man. At parties, she seeks out the company of the fringe folk: someone's little brother, a homeless person who wandered in, and if there are pets present, she will find them and spend all night talking to them.

The Slutty Drunk

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it, and all those other bitches have dumb boyfriends. This is the girl who carries pajamas in her purse. This is the girl you can regularly pass your boyfriend's annoying friends off on. This is the girl about whom you can tell guys, "Uhh I don't know, you probably have a shot with her...are you gonna buy us alcohol or not?" Downside: eventually she will have hooked up with or offended (or, more likely, both) every guy of your acquaintance, which makes selecting your birthday weekend get-away guest list a whooole lot harder (sorry again, Kat). This is also the girl you end up rescuing a lot of Sunday mornings. C'est la vie.

OK, now we've got our players. What can you expect when you throw such a mix of crazies into a place together, stir in some booze, and call it a "Girls Night?" 

Disaster. From the moment this many bossy drunk girls are in the same environment, discord is bound to follow. They won't be able to agree on what to drink; who has to pay for chaser; which bars to go to (If you say Fremont one more time, Anna...!); who should call the cab; Oh my God NO ONE CALLED A CAB?? They will leave the house two hours later than they meant to, never in the outfits they started pre-funking in.

Oh yes, it's all fun and games now. Look at our silly leis!

Laughter. The loud, drunk kind. The we're-making-dumb-faces-in-our-booth-go-away kind. The kind that really should repel (or at least give fair warning to) the opposite sex, but instead seems to send out some kind of "vulnerable female" bat sonar that only assholes can hear. Or, you know, everyone in the bar can hear, because it's loud and obnoxious. 

Food. The greasy, cheap, probably-spit-in kind. "Should we order fries?" "No, I'm fat, I don't want fries." HAH! Two hours later, a graveyard of empty plates will cover their table. Oh well, at least we're getting diabetes together!

Tears. Always tears. "I didn't mean you LOOK fat, I just said that if you THINK you're fat, WHY did you eat all the fries?" "YOU DO THINK I'M FAT, I KNEW IT!" "No. Oh my God. NO! No. Listen to me, listen to me- you're not listening, I think you're sooo special-" "Really?" ...until a guy nearby finally yells, "ARE YOU GONNA KISS?" and then the really special sentimental moment is ruined.

Boys. There's no such thing as a Girls Night. Eventually, the girls with boyfriends will make their boyfriends come get them. Those without will do what they always planned on doing: sidling up to a nearby male and saying, "Oh my gosssh, my friends are sooo crazy!"

"Yeah," he says, laughing.

That's when you give 'em your most winsome, wasted smile, and say, "You wanna go somewhere...quieter?"

Is it Girls Night Out? Then trust me, they will.

So thank you, ladies, for ensuring that no Girls Night ever, EVER goes as planned.