Congratulations, your parents are coming to visit! Are you everything they ever hoped their child would be? Are you living up to each and every one of their highest expectations, perhaps even surpassing their wildest dreams? No? Me neither. Here's how to keep to keep them happy and prolong that inevitable moment of financial independence. (Note: If you're already financially independent, good for you! But you might still want to try to impress them, yes?)
How to Prepare for the Visit
The last time I cleaned my apartment, it A. took six hours and B. left me so sore I could hardly stand up straight. This should serve as adequate testament both to the state of the residence pre-cleaning (so bad, guys) and my physical fitness (arguably worse). I could have taken “before” pictures, but even I have some capacity for shame. My landlady once told me I was “living in squalor," but what does she know? I'll throw out that cheese when I'm done with it, OK?
When your parents are coming, you should make an effort to clean, or rather, hide the squalor. Some bare-minimum steps to take, from the Queen of Bare Minimum:
1. Hide all the dirty dishes in the oven. Can't smell 'em in there!
2. Pick up every piece of clothing on the floor and put it in the washing machine.
3. Only thing you really need to wash: your sheets, you cretin!
4. Throw away all the take-out containers and McDonald's bags around your bed.
5. MAKE SURE to hide everything offensive: empty the ashtray, dispose of all bottles, and conceal anything indicative of premarital sex.
How to Act and Look like the Person They Think You Are
Don't be hungover! Are you hungover? Don't look hungover! Put concealer on those dark circles (guys, you could potentially do this, too), change into a respectable outfit, brush your hair and your teeth, and re-apply deodorant and/or scent of choice.
Turn your phone on vibrate so your mom doesn't raise her eyebrows when your ringtone is "I Kissed A Girl" (shut up). Try very hard not to swear too much. Don't let them linger around your place; suggest a nice meal somewhere nearby, then claim you have "sooo much work to do" so you can graciously return home after lunch or dinner.
How to Edit Your Life in Conversation
If you have a 100% open and honest relationship with your parents, then once again, good for you! This is something I dream of one day having, and am creeping towards as I grow steadily older and their expectations sink steadily lower. I don't like lying to my parents, but if I answered every one of their questions with perfect honesty, who would pay my rent? Don't say me. Please, please don't say me.
While you're at the aforementioned meal, you will probably be subject to some or all of the following lifestyle questions. There's a big difference between what you could say, and what you should say. Some examples:
Question: "How is school going?"
Honest Answer: "How are my NOVELS going? I'm so glad you asked, this week I pulled two all-nighters, made some real breakthroughs, then went online and realized everything I've ever written has already been written. Then I had a creative meltdown, chugged 15 hours worth of energy, and didn't study for my Psych test. Whatever, fuck a GPA, I don't need to go to grad school OH WAIT I TOTALLY DO."
Parent Answer: "It's going really well!"
Question: "Are you dating anyone?"
Honest Answer: "If you mean 'Am I sleeping with anyone,' then yes! But you will never, ever meet them because you would absolutely hate them!"
Parent Answer: "I really don't have time to date, I'm just too focused on my future right now."
Question: "What have you been up to for fun these days?"
Honest Answer: "Gettin' drunk."
Parent Answer: "Oh, you know, taking it pretty easy, mostly reading those books you leant me and staying in. I'm so over all my old habits and mistakes. I've really matured."
Question: "When are you graduating?"
Honest Answer: "Whenever you stop paying for school."
Parent Answer: "So soon! I really only have a few more credits left! Tell Grandma!"
Question: "Have you made any more plans for after you graduate?"
Honest Answer: "YOU'VE NEVER SUPPORTED MY DREEEEAMS."
Parent Answer: "Looking at grad schools, obviously scoping out jobs so I don't have to move back in with you."
Question: "Will you ever make any money from writing?"
Honest Answer: "Well, I wrote two papers for my friends last week and then they paid for all my drinks, so YOU TELL ME."
Parent Answer: "...probably not. Can I move back in?"
OK, I lied, here's one picture...
OK, I lied, here's one picture...
For your consideration: A Family Portrait in our matching Christmas pants.
My dad made us sit like this and told us to "pretend we were in North Korea."
Now you see why I can't move back in.
Haha, I like that your dad is the only one not smiling in the photo he made you all take.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you on this whole lying to your parents thing. I have gotten more lax about it as I have gotten older but there are still a few things I make sure to pick up around the house.
I remember one time they came up and I cleaned the entire apartment. We had had a party a couple nights before and our place was trashed. I put all the beer bottles and such into our recycling bucket, yes its a big ass bucket because there is way too much alcohol consumed in my apartment, but didn't think to take it outside so my parents couldn't figure out that was all alcohol bottles from my apartment.
They quickly noticed the forty gallon bucket filled to the brim with beer and liquor bottles.
I told them we had had a bunch of people over, but I think my parents idea of a party, especially in my small apartment is four to five people. I let them know that no, I didn't drink twenty beers the other night, though I left out that I am sure some of the people there did...