Happy Caturday!

Today, I'd like to address yet another ugly - but unavoidable - truth that we as a society need to face.

Cats are evil.

This doesn't mean they aren't cute, cuddly, and the very best companions, but at the end of the day, your cat is probably out to get you. He or she is just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

If you don't believe me, take this quiz: Is your cat plotting to kill you?

Here are my (chilling) results:

While it's true Mr. Kitty exhibits some of the behavior highlighted in the quiz, like attacking my legs as I walk past and watching me very closely while I sleep, here are some other ways he disturbs me on a daily basis.

He watches me while I eat.

Never begging for a bite, just observing how best to poison my future meals.

He makes sure I know not to take my eyes off him.

Oh, watch Gossip Girl...while you still can. That's what those eyes say.

He does not want me to succeed.

He will ignore me for weeks, until it's the night before a big test. Then I can just forget about studying.

You shall never graduate, he whispers.

Finals week is his favorite week to display, ahem, "affection."

He doesn't want me to get a boyfriend. Ever.

Here he is, napping in his favorite spot: the treadmill. This is one of many ways he sabotages any form of self-improvement. I don't have photographic evidence of the others, but here's a good one: If I ever have a boy over, suddenly, Mr. Kitty needs to take the biggest, stinkiest shit in the world. 

The smell of cat defecation is not the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Don't think he doesn't know this.

And when I am left alone because no one can stand the smell,

He will probably eat me.

Me: ...but he's so cute though!

Him: Watch yo back, bitch.

I'm not saying DON'T go cuddle your cat extra-aggressively on this Caturday. If anything, cuddling forces the cat to recognize that while he may have his pick of your innards one day, for now, he is weak, and you can embarrass him by snuggling him against his will and calling him degrading names, like "Mr. Muggles" and "Little furry ginger britches." 

What I am saying is, be wary. Don't let your guard down for even one moment. They will lure you in with cuteness, and then they will strike.

Just like that.