How (Not) to Text Boys

To any male readers who may have stumbled upon this purple-and-argyle page, apologies in advance. I’ve heard it said many times that women are the more confusing gender, and if I could offer men in general a helpful peek into the workings of my own mind, I totally would. But it probably wouldn’t be that informative, anyway.

Artist’s rendition of the interior of my cerebral cortex.

As a female, I am a firm believer that everything I say and do makes perfect sense. Men, on the other hand, remain a bit of a mystery. Original, right? Having (very) recently acquired a passel of guy friends, I sometimes ask them to clarify the deeper mysteries of my interactions with the opposite sex. They are universally unhelpful. The most consistent piece of advice I receive is, “Bro…you think about this shit too much. He’s, like, not thinking about it that much.”

This is my least favorite thing to hear.

I hate the implication that even the scantest analysis of something a boy said, usually because it literally makes no sense, places me in the somewhat universal category of girls who “think too much,” girls who wait by the phone on Friday nights and carefully dissect each and every vowel.

As far as girls go, I do think about things a lot, possibly “too much” (if that’s really a thing). But the only reason I have to do this is because half the shit guys send me actually makes no fucking sense.

Here are the only guidelines to texting boys that I have been able, in spite of the advice of multiple boys, to establish.

1. Don’t ask questions

I hate to condemn an entire half of the population, but in my experience of texting boys, what you see is what you get. If it doesn’t make sense – and it often doesn’t – there’s no point asking for elaboration. I mean, have you ever tried asking a guy what they meant by something after they said it? It’s like the sentence evacuated their brain the millisecond after they spoke or typed it, and any variation of “What?” (“What do you mean?” “Excuse me?” or even a simple “?”) might as well be in another language. There’s no point trying to get them to explain themselves, ever.

For your consideration, a text about planning a potential post-grad trip: (my texts in green)

Translation: "My uncle lives in South Africa. Monkeys that throw their poop at trespassers live in his backyard. There are many crocodiles there, called 'flat dogs'."

Another Translation: Someone didn't take their ADD meds.

2. Keep it simple

Again, the implications of this rule are insulting. I’m not saying that guys aren’t interested in you or your day, because the right guy totally is, and if you’re with a guy who ever tells you that you talk too much...well, join the club. What I AM saying is, for whatever reason, guys – even nice, totally interested ones – do not respond well to novel-length messages of the text or chat variety.

This goes double for trying to have an argument over text:

Guess who won that fight? Me, eventually...

3. Technological Flirtation?!

OK, maybe I shouldn't be writing this, because I am the absolute worst at flirting. I'm bad at it in real life, and abysmally bad at in via text or chat. Like, you don't even understand how bad. My most successful text exchanges with boys are always the simplest. Guys who know me even a little know better than to try to make small-talk with me. Unfortunately, that leaves the vast majority of guys who know me not at all.

Here are some poignant examples of me trying to text-flirt. Or at least, boys trying to text-flirt with me, and me ruining it. (Yes, these are real screenshots, and no, I am not worried that any of these guys will see this, because they are already so convinced of my crazy that they are for sure not reading my crazy blog.)

I have no idea what about my response screamed, "I would love to hang out tonight, I'm feelin' reeeeal sexual!" What I meant to say was, "I'm covered in grease and in a food coma, go away."

Like I said, pink eye = #1 sexcuse. I didn't actually have pink eye, as he found out when I accidentally ran into him the next day, but whatever. If boys are texting you trying to hook up, this is one of the only excuses that will actually discourage them (see above: chocolate-covered fried chicken).

Confession time: Texts like the chocolate-covered fried chicken one don't just HAPPEN. I mean, yes, I was actually eating chocolate-covered fried chicken (delicious but deadly), but I recognize that I could've chosen to not share that information. Why did I deliberately sabotage myself? Well, here's the confession - sometimes I like to see how far I can push guys. Like, how long they're willing to put up with my weirdness and creepy jokes in the hopes of getting with me. Answer: a real long time.

Now, every once in a while, I'll be texting a guy I actually like. This means I don't try to sabotage myself, but spend agonizing minutes debating over each carefully-worded missive (should I say "What's up," "What are you up to," or "WHAT'S REALLY POPPIN?" Decisions, decisions). In my mind, a single key-stroke out of place can have disastrous consequences; does the use of an exclamation point, where a period might have sufficed, make me look like, way too eager?

Bottom line: I can't tell you how to flirt with boys over text. I can tell you how NOT to, which is really just to keep it simple, don't ask questions, and if anything, don't try to be sexy. I mean, unless you can really pull it off (tips hat), but personally: I know all too well what sexy looks like from behind as it slinks away from me. So I find it's always best to be casual and vague while avoiding flirtation, and hope it comes off as...mysterious. Women are supposed to be mysterious, right?

Final thought to leave you with: a text sent to one of my girlfriends. 

I think that about sums it up.