How (Not) to Behave on Facebook

Facebook is an absolute breeding ground for idiots, and so there are a thousand other places on the Internet where other people have discussed their particular pet peeves. I don't care, you get mine anyway. And yeah, it's kind of long, because I hate a lot of things. This shouldn't be a surprise. So here they are, my Ten Commandments of Facebook, if you will.

1. Thou shalt not stalk.

Take it from the Queen of Facebook Stalking, it's so easy and so very, very tempting. But seriously, you're only inviting pain, heartache, and an awkward sense of over-familiarity when you meet IRL. Hard though it may be at times, looking through all 2,493 pictures of his new girlfriend and dissecting each and every way in which you are superior to her is the least helpful thing you can do for your sanity. Period.

2. Thou shalt not post pictures of kissing.

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Fucking fantastic. Do I want to see you two making out? OH MY GOD NEVER. I don't care if you're the Brangelina of Bellingham, I don't wanna see it. This applies to pretty much every in-your-face aspect of a relationship. If you are publicly acknowledged to be dating on Facebook, I don't need constant reminders of every up and down in your relationship.

3. Thou shalt not be passive-aggressive in thy status updates.

Pretty much any status that exists only to invite sympathy or super-personal conversation needs to go. For example, "Having the worst day......." "I guess this is how you learn who your TRUE friends are......" and "Well, I guess you found a way to 'get away' from me, MOM...RIP..." These will always end in ellipses...they will always be vague and preachy, but so difficult to ignore...I don't understand why anyone still replies to these people...

This goes double for open-ended generalizations about love, sex, or the opposite gender (i.e. "How could you do that someone you love...?") and almost any Marilyn Monroe quote.

4. Thou shalt not post a plethora of painfully obvious statuses.

There are certain occasions on which I am loath to post anything on Facebook, because I'm already so sick of everyone else saying the exact same thing. Is it snowing/raining/sunny/any other "surprising" kind of weather? Is it a holiday that "everyone" hates? And worst yet, is it finals week? "Shelly has four research papers, six tests, and seventeen TAs to seduce before Friday!!! OMG #dying."

I'm sorry, Shelly, what do you want from me? You're in college, it's finals week, and you have finals? Shall I start a slow clap now, or after you post your inevitable "DONE!!!!!!" status in a week? Just shut up, Shelly, and go do your homework.

5. Thou shalt not linger forever in the time of Study Abroad.

Have you ever been to another country? Was it the best time of your entire life? Was it, like, so culturally enlightening? Do you feel the compulsive need to spend the next five years reminiscing non-stop about those precious days? Yes? Well, I hate you.

For the record, I been places, OK? Lots of places. When I came back, I told my friends that I had 24 hours to gush, and then they had my full permission to hit me if I ever again brought it up unnecessarily or without context. Travel is awesome, and so is learning about other cultures. But if I have to read one more fucking thing about how American food just doesn't compare, or you'd give anything to be back in the streets of London/Paris/any major Italian city, or any status written in the eight words of that language that you eventually picked up, I'm going to scream.

And don't lie, I know you caved.

6. Thou shalt continue to follow the rules of polite conversation.

Growing up, I was told that there were certain things one did not discuss in polite company: namely, sex, religion, politics, and money. Call me old-fashioned, (and that would make you the first), but I think the same should be true on Facebook. Sex is obvious: it's nobody's business! Any details of your personal life and relationships never, ever deserve to be on Facebook. After getting the new Timeline feature, I went back through my posts and found out that 17 year old Natalie had waaay too few qualms about discussing her boyfriendly affairs - I was whore-ified at some of my posts. Thank God for the delete button.

If you take pictures of yourself with stacks of money or anything that you wasted all that money on, like a new disgusting small-penis car, then you suck. If you post incessantly about your religious or political beliefs - and I'm talking anything more than a link to an interesting, topical article - then you suck. On Facebook, my religious and political beliefs, respectively, are "Nicolas Cage" and "Morgan Freeman." Is this a joke? Kind of... But seriously, I don't wanna get into my actual beliefs with you, and surprise: I don't wanna get into yours, either!

7. Thou shalt not type like a monkey with a laptop.

At this point, I accept that people misspell things. I accept that they misuse punctuation. Grammar nazi though I am, I accept that there is very little I can do to encourage my Facebook friends to type more carefully. That being said, here are some things that are still, in my mind, fundamentally inexcusable.

Don't add multiple letters to the ends of words. Now I'm guilty of the occasional "Heyy," "sooo," or "waaay." In my mind, these make sense, because that's how I say them out loud, and I only use them in very informal settings. What doesn't make sense is when people (girls) add extra consonants to the end of words, like, "Doin' my make uppp," "Poppin' bottlesss of that Patronnn!" and "Partyyy tonighttt!" You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm just not. These things don't make SENSE. If I see you type like this, all I can think is, "You are retardeddddd" (pronounced "retar-de-de-de-de-ded").

AND WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, YOU TAKE AWAY FROM THE THINGS THAT ARE REALLY IMPORTANT. CERTAIN STATEMENTS DESERVE TO BE PUT IN ALL CAPS IN CASUAL CONVERSATION BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, SUPER-CRUCIAL, LIKE, YOU KNOW, "HERPES??" SEE? THAT LOST ALL OF ITS POWER BECAUSE IT WAS SURROUNDED BY OTHER CAPS. DO YOU FEEL STUPIDER FOR HAVING READ THIS? I FEEL STUPIDER FOR HAVING WRITTEN IT. ALSO, NOW YOU HAVE HERPES AND NO WAY TO EXCLAIM VEHEMENTLY ABOUT IT BECAUSE NO ONE IS TAKING ANYTHING YOU SAY SERIOUSLY. SUCKS TO BE YOU.

8. Thou shalt post pictures with caution and restraint.

Instagram does not instantly make everything you see cool: it just makes it faded and hipstery. There is no reason, ever, to have a picture of yourself on a toilet. And while we're at it, there's no reason to post pictures of your food before you eat it. I just don't understand why people do this. I mean, I like food as much as the next girl, if not more: but I like to EAT IT, not carefully arrange it so I can post it online. Some of my guy friends like to text each other pictures of especially large shits they took, and in my mind, posting pictures of your next meal is kind of in the same ballpark.

Oh, you wanna see a picture of MY dinner? Ta-daaa!

9. Thou shalt be considerate with thy posts.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, "What doesn't Natalie hate hearing about? She seems to hate love, food, opinions, observations, and anyone enjoying themselves..." Well, good readers, I had to think long and hard about that answer. What it comes down to is this: your facebook is a place for you to express yourself, which gives you the right to post whatever you want, and there's nothing I or any other hater can do about it. My only caution is that of restraint. I can't guarantee that everyone - or, in fact, anyone - is interested in what I put on my Facebook, but I do try to only publish things that have the slimmest chance of being relevant to one of my 206 friends (also, that's not a coincidental number of friends, I keep them carefully pruned because WHAT UP 206).

I don't post what I'm doing every hour of the day, because if I did:
8:32 PM "Natalie is depressed, and singing along to the Wicked soundtrack."
10:40 PM "Natalie just cried at the end of 'How to Train Your Dragon,' AGAIN!"
11:13 PM "Natalie is smoking in her bed, because Mad Men told her she could."
11:20 PM "Natalie regrets smoking in bed, as bed now smells like smoke."

Yeah. And that's just the highlights of my day yesterday! Imagine if I posted even more trivial details! It would be sooo boringggg. I try to post things that I think other people might be interested in, so please: try to be similarly considerate.

10. Thou shalt quietly remove from newsfeed.

But fine. Most people won't censor themselves, and even if they do, there's no guarantee that you'll find them particularly fascinating or agreeable. If this is the case, de-friend them, or at least hide their stories from your newsfeed. Out of sight, out of mind. Don't bother writing negative comments on their offending posts, because at the end of the day, they have a perfect right to as many misspelled, passive-aggressive, PDA-riddled weather complaints as every other idiot on the Internet.

And yes, they intend to exercise that right. Frequently. So, so frequently.